January 28, 2008
Written By: Woman – 30 – Bi – New York City
Not even my closest friends know about this. I can’t tell anyone but I feel an overwhelming urge to express what I’m feeling. These past few days it’s like I’m losing my mind. Sitting here with tears in my eyes, I don’t know what to do about it except write the truth. Last fall, while my fiance was traveling on business, I cheated on him with Heath Ledger.
I’m not a cheater. I did cheat on him once before, but that was two years ago, after I found out that he had cheated on me. We’ve patched things up since then. Last summer, he asked me to marry him.
I wasn’t out to cheat. It was the middle of the week, and I decided to go out to this usually quiet and cozy neighborhood bar near our apartment in Nolita. I know that probably sounds like some kind of evidence that I was out to get a man, but I wasn’t. I’ve always had a thing for going out to bars by myself. It’s like a challenge to myself and my self-confidence. True, I normally don’t go out to bars at midnight in the middle of the week when my boyfriend is around, but there really was no ulterior motive.
It took me a good ten minutes to realize it was he. If I’d known it was Heath Ledger sitting next to me at the bar, I’m sure I’d not have said a word to him. I’m not like that. Sure, he was a great looking guy and an obvious hunk, but I only started talking to him because he was also obviously alone and because he was sitting right next to me. It was really just a matter of chance, as are so many significant events in our lives, I’m now realizing.
He acted like he didn’t feel like talking, but I was already a little tipsy and, truth be told, I’m funny and a good conversationalist. Slowly, I broke him down. Of course, I’m also naturally blonde and pleasantly slender, which never hurts. I knew I was being a little annoying by forcing myself upon this stranger but I was having fun with it. It was only when he mumbled “you are somethin’ else” with this wry grin on his face that I realized it was Heath.
The realization hit me like a slap across the face. Suddenly I was stunned into silence. I probably drank half my beer in a succession of quick gulps over the course of about thirty seconds. I didn’t know what to say.
But then Heath started to open up a little. He wasn’t making much eye contact (whenever he did, I felt like I was going to fall on the floor), but he started joking and picking on me a little bit. It retrospect, I guess he was flirting with me, but at the time my mind was reeling so fast that I couldn’t do much more than offer up the occasional terse response. Our roles were suddenly reversed, with him doing most of the talking.
The more I held back, the more he seemed to like me. He didn’t seem at all messed up or drugged out as recent reports would lead us to believe. Maybe he was just having a good night, but I really believe that all of these stories claiming Heath was out of control are exaggerated. The time passed so quickly. I don’t know how many rounds we had. Eventually the drinks worked their magic, and I was able to regain my composure.
Then the bar was closing and we were walking down the street side-by-side, him telling me how he was going to London in a few days. It felt so natural to me, like I’d know this man forever. The only surprise was how tall he was. I clearly remember the overwhelming urge to bury my face in his chest. But I kept my cool. When we reached my building, I was nervous, despite all the drinks.
I jerked my head in the direction of the building and asked, “One more drink?” He was so cute. He smiled and stared down at the sidewalk for a moment. I really thought he was going to say no and I felt like a total idiot and a bimbo. But then he looked me in the eye, nodded his head and said, “Just one more.”
It was by far the most amazing sexual experience of my life. When he took me in his arms for the first time, I felt like I was going to just disappear into this man’s body. That’s what I wanted. He took complete control of me, and I let him have whatever he wanted. Feeling his strong hands gripping my narrow waist, I knew this was the feeling I’d been longing for my entire life. This was sex as it’s supposed to be, but as it so rarely is.
I can still feel his muscular back under my hands. That’s the sensation that has stayed with me the most. I wish I could remember more. I wish I could have him back with me again, even for just a moment.
My fiance is baffled by the way I’ve been acting these past few terrible days. He’s not complaining about all the intense sex we keep having, but when he looks at me I can see that he sees me as a stranger.
I know that Heath’s death has had a much greater impact on so many other people than it has on me. My heart aches for all of those who knew him and loved him more than I ever did. I know this is not about me. But my life has been changed by all of this. I know this is going to sound sad, but it’s really not: my entire life had just been a dress rehearsal for that moment when Heath took me in his arms. And the rest of my life, I know, will be nothing but a futile attempt to recapture that magical moment. But that’s ok. I wouldn’t trade those few hours with that amazing man for anything.
I’ll always miss you, Heath. I didn’t know you well, but there is one thing I’m more certain of than anything else in the world: you were a man. You were a real man.
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